Metal Gear Solid 2 in a Nutshell
by Gneo
Summary: This is the real MGS. The fusion of what it was, and what you think it was. Holes are closed. Doors are opened. Enigmas are cleared. Minds are numbed.


**Hiya there, Metal Gear fans! Just as a warning, there may be a spoiler or two (maybe, but if you are reading this, you should have already beaten the game by now) Also, this story skips through the game very quickly, that it does. NOTE: (words in parenthesis) are actions. This is a revived story. It has also been changed quite a bit, for people whom have read the original.**

**Metal Gear Solid 2 in a Nutshell**

**Otacon:** Snake, you are so gullible. If I told you to jump off of a bridge, would you?

**Snake:** Yes.

**Otacon:** Then do it.

**Snake:** Okay… (jumps off bridge, lands on tanker) OW! Hey…my stealth! It broke, no! Wahhh… (cries)

**Otacon:** At least your nanomachines are fine…and your earpiece…if that broke, we couldn't communicate.

**Snake:** Fine with me, you're boring.

**Otacon:** What? I'll ignore that for now, but we need those pictures of Metal Gear. Speaking of gear, let's look at you-hey! Stop smoking, NOW!

**Snake:** Stop caring about the cancer living in my lungs, NOW!

**Otacon:** Fine…go get those Metal Gear photos!

**Snake:** Hey! Look at that, that Russian guard just slit that dude's throat!

**Otacon:** Oh no, now it will be hard to get to Metal Gear. Boo-hoo.

**Snake:** Cool, it's like a fountain…

**Otacon:** Stop wasting time!

**Snake:** Alright…(runs to a door to get inside, Otacon calls Snake. Ring-ring! Snake rips off ear in a rage) STOP CALLING ME! I know how to open a freak'n door! Ow, Jesus, my ear!

**Jesus: **(appears next to Snake, touches ear to heal)

**Snake:** (smiles) Thanks, Jesus.

**Jesus:** It's cool. (disappears)

**Snake:** (gets inside Tanker, slips past guards and hides in a locker)

**Otacon:** HA! Now you are the one who's hiding in the locker. We're even, now! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**Snake:** But first, I'd have to pee my pants.

**Otacon:** HAHAHAA-WHAT! That's it. I've had enough of your smart-ass remarks. (pushes a button)

**Snake:** Huh? (bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!) Ahhh! What does electrifying me solve?

**Otacon:** My boredom. Now go get those pictures!

**Olga:** Hahahahahaha. I will use my cool knife-distraction technique to try to shot you.

**Snake:** Okay.

**Olga:** (does cool knife-distraction technique and tries to shot him)

**Snake:** Hey! That shot was close!

**Olga:** NO! It missed! (falls unconscious from tranquilizer)

**Snake:** Hey, look! A real gun! MINE! (does a double-take to see if anyone is around) ALL MINE! Heh…heh-heh…MY PRECIOUS! (points gun at Olga, pulls trigger, CLICK!) Awww… no ammo…what a rip off…

**Otacon:** C'mon Snake, get going!

**Snake:** Fine, fine, HEY! Look at that, that little thing blinks green light! Cool, I wanna touch it…

**Otacon:** NO! Snake, if you get any closer, you might trip the lasers and die! Even though you can survive multiple explosions in easier difficulties, it seems like you automatically die from this. Shoot the green lights!

**Snake:** Okay. (shoots them all, walks down long hallway) Hey! More guards! (shoots them all) Hey! Look at this! (pushes projector button, switching the screens)

**Marines:** ? (looks at the other screen)

**Snake:** (keeps on pushing button, making the Marines look back and forth at the projector screens until the beautiful Asian woman pops up on a screen)

**Random Marine:** Oh no! Now which one do we look at? The hot Asian chick, or the black guy? I can't choose! Will I stay like this forever? Is it my destiny to endlessly dispute whether I gaze upon the Asian grandeur, or some black dude that dies in a little bit? NO! When will it end! Surly, this is the end of all times! The apocalypse is upon us! REPENT! REPENT!

**Snake:** (pushes the projector button one more time to make the Asian woman appear on both screens)

**Random Marine:** Thank you god! Thank you for saving me from a fate worse than death!

**Ocelot:** Hahahahahaha! I will now take this!

**Scott:** NO! I just got that for my birthday! Waaaah!

**Gurlukovich:** Hey! That bullet to the heart hurt, Ocelot! But at least I don't have to worry about my good-for-nothing rebel of a daughter! Oh well, you take some, and you lose some. That's how it goes! (death)

**Liquid:** Hahahahahaha! Bye Snake!

**Snake:** Bye! I'll miss you! Remember to write!

**Liquid:** Okay, I will!

**Snake:** Darn, now you don't get to play as me…

**Raiden:** Hey! Now someone is controlling me! Cool! Hey, what's that computer do?

**Rose:** It's—

**Colonel:** Hey! You aren't supposed to be in the game yet!

**Rose:** Sorry…hi Jack!

**Colonel:** Hey Raiden, I dare you to touch that screen…

**Raiden:** Okay! (touches screen) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHOOOBLOLPAHAHGEATAPAFDJKSDALKASHJNHNCBDVISDFJJCNCASDHICAXNKHAAAAAHHHHHH! (huff, huff) OW! THAT HURT!

**Colonel:** He-he-he…tricked ya!

**Raiden:** What the heck is that!

**Vamp:** (hiss) I vant to suck you're bloooooood!

**Raiden:** All right Dracula…

**Vamp:** (vanishes)

**Snake:** You missed him kid…you suck!

**Raiden:** Hi Snake!

**Snake:** I'm not Snake! I'm uh-…J.G. Pliskin!

**Raiden:** Nu-uh!

**Snake:** Yu-huh!

**Raiden:** Nu-uh!

**Snake:** Yu-huh!

**Raiden:** Nu-uh!

**Snake:** Yu-huh!

**Raiden:** Nu-uh!

**Snake:** Yu-huh!

**Raiden:** Nu-uh!

**Snake:** Yu-huh, Poopy head!

**Raiden:** Nu-uh! Whenever you talk, it says "**Snake:**", then whatever you say!

**Gneo:** Hey! You aren't supposed to see that!

**Raiden:** Who the hell was that!

**Gneo:** …

**Raiden:** ANYway… you are Snake!

**Pliskin:** There! See the screen? "J.G. Pliskin" is hovering in mid-air in white text.

**Hideo:** Hey! You aren't supposed to see that either!

**Pliskin:** Now who the hell was _that_?

**Gneo:** Get outa here, worker of KONAMI! This is _my_ story! (starts shooting at Hideo)

**Pete:** Get to work on those bombs, you slowpokes!

**Snake:** Hey! You're the one who's lying about having a broken leg! And besides, I'm not some damn PoKe'MoN…I'm not gonna get bit on the tail by a fuck'n clam, then suddenly evolve into an almost equally stupid creature…

**Raiden:** Look! It says you are Snake again!

**Gneo:** For the last frick'en time, you blonde dipshi-

**Raiden:** Away evil demon! (sprays coolant in Gneo's face)

**Gneo:** Ahhhh! My eyes! (vanishes)

**Pete:** BOMBS! NOW!

**Pliskin:** Fine…stupid crippled…grrrr…

**Raiden:** Hey, you are Pliskin!

**Pliskin:** That's right…

**Raiden:** (goes to strut C-D bridge and spots a walking cardboard box) What the-? (shoots the box)

**Snake:** AHHHH! MY ANUS IS BLEEDING! RAIDEN! WHAT THE HELL! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!

**Raiden:** (takes a step back, scared) I-I-I-sorry, I didn't know it was you-

**Snake:** No, no, no. Not the fact that you shot me. It's just your logic.

**Raiden:** Huh?

**Snake:** Sigh…you see a moving cardboard box…and your first reaction is to shoot it? You have now reached the point of stupidity, wherein grammar has no place to sit. You dumb. Now, in the name of some guy that's hiding in a pantry like a wuss, "let's get to work on those bombs."

**Raiden:** (freezes all of the bombs but one, finds the last bomb, calls Pete)

**Pete:** There are still bombs in that area. Try searching where you would least expect it. (beep!)

**Raiden:** What? Did he just hang up on me? (tries calling Pete again)

**Pete:** There are still bombs in that area. Try searching where you would least expect it. (beep!)

**Raiden:** Grrrrr…(tries calling Pete again)

**Pete:** There are still bombs in that area. Try searching where you would least expect it. (beep!)

**Raiden:** Damnit! (tries calling Pete again)

**Pete:** There are still bombs in that area. Try searching where you would least expect it. (beep!)

**Raiden:** AAHHHH! When I find this guy…

**Pete:** For the love of god! Can't a guy get some damn privacy? I'm about to evolve my Slowpoke! Now…is it a water stone, or do I have to trade it while it's holding a king's rock? Can't remember…

**Raiden:** Finally! You said something different!

**Pete:** What? I wasn't even talking to you before! Are you on crack?

**Raiden:** No! I called you a bunch of times, and you kept on saying, (mock Pete voice) "There's still bombs. Duuuuurrrr—try searching in the enemy's asshole", or something like that.

**Pete:** That was my answering machine, nutbag. Anyway, why did you call me? Is there a problem?

**Raiden:** Yes. I have encountered the final bomb.

**Pete:** Good! Hurry up and neutralize it!

**Raiden:** I would have, but there's an obstacle hindering my progress. Although, this seems to be the only bomb protected in this way.

**Pete:** What's shielding it?

**Raiden:** A microwavable burrito. From Taco Bell.

**Pete:** Damn. I should have known. Fatman seems to have made up some new tricks! Wait—has it been microwaved yet?

**Raiden:** Yes. And it's still warm. The coolant spray has no effect on it.

**Pete:** Try taking the burrito off of the bomb.

**Raiden:** What! No way, it's way too hot! It'll chafe my skin!

**Pete:** Aw, c'mon. Don't be such a wimp.

**Raiden:** Fine…(carefully removes the burrito from the bomb)

**Bomb:** ROOOOOOAR! Hey! Gimme back my lunch, cockbite!

**Raiden:** (drops the burrito in fright) Holy fuck'n ass-crackers! (quickly shoots the bomb)

**Bomb:** You bastard! I spent $3.99 on that burrito! Nooooooooo…(death)

**Pete:** Oh no…killing that last bomb…it was a trap! (BOOM)

**Colonel:** Now wasn't that a sad loss for us all? (cries)

**Raiden:** No.

**Rose:** How can you say that?

**Raiden:** Easy. You try dodging explosive rail-driver things while trying to shoot at some black chick who cheats and uses a little gizmo to magnetically drive away bullets.

**Fortune:** If you can't kill me, I will have to kill you!

**Raiden:** Whatever, emo chick.(gets on elevator) phew…(sprays coolant on the bomb on the heliport psssssssst…click)

**Fatman:** So you're the one who's been disarming my bombs. I see you've come to join the party.

**Raiden:** …

**Fatman:** Hi!

**Raiden:** I think I'm supposed to kill you… hold on, lemme check…(calls Colonel) hey am I supposed to kill Fatman?

**Colonel:** Yes…that is your role in this game…to KILL. After all, that's all you are good for…so go out and kill, my little weapon!

**Raiden:** …?

**Rose:** (bonks Colonel upside the head) We aren't supposed to be acting weird yet! That's more towards the end of the game!

**Colonel:** Oops…uh…I mean…er- yes! You must kill Fatman to fulfill your role! I mean mu-ma-mission!

**Rose:** (smacks forehead in embarrassment)

**Raiden:** Okay! The party's over for you! (shoots Fatman)

**Fatman:** Wahhhhh! Now I can't go to the party! Hidgidgi…blaaaaarg (dies)

**Raiden:** I wanna go to the party too! (calls Colonel) Hey can I go to the party? Can I? Can I?

**Colonel:** But then who will be our little monster? Our little killing machine?

**Raiden:** I volunteer Snake!

**Rose:** But he's dead!

**Pliskin:** I'm NOT Snake!

**Raiden:** Fine, but I still volunteer Snake.  
**Pliskin:** (starts foaming at the mouth) GODDAMNIT MY NAME IS NOT SNAKE IT'S PLISKIN!

**Mr. X:** Hey Raiden… the party is in shell one core.

**Raiden:** I'm there! (goes to shell one core) Wow! You need to pass a biometrics test to get into this party! (tries retinal scanner)

**Computer:** YOU MAY NOT ENTER, BEEEEEEEEEEOTCH!1!11!

**Raiden:** Wahhhhhhhh!

**Guard:** Who's crying? Hey there guy, what's the matter?

**Raiden:** (through tears) I-I-I-it-it won't let me in…wahhhhhhh!

**Guard:** Here, thanks to my incredibly low artificial intelligence, you can shove my face into the retinal scanner to open the door!

**Raiden:** (stops crying) Really?

**Guard:** Really really.

**Raiden:** Okay. (shoves guard's face into the retinal scanner)

**Computer:** (click) YOU ARE CLEAR TO ENTER…BITCH.

**Raiden: **Tch, now I can party… (goes up to Aims) You have a funny heartbeat. Is this the party?

**Aims:** No. But the real one is in shell two.

**Raiden:** AHHHHH!  
**Aims:** Shut the hell up! Must you be so loud? Ocelot! NO! IT WAS YOU! It all makes sense now…everything…Snake…Foxdie…(death)

**Raiden:** What the fuck did he just say? Was that even English?

**Ocelot:** Hey, you're that one kid!

**Raiden:** And you're that one dude!

**Ocelot:** …

**Raiden:** …

**Ocelot:** Hi!

**Raiden:** Bye!

**Mr. X:** Alright, watch me show off as I deflect bullets with my sword so you can escape!

**Raiden:** Thanks!

**Solidus: **I am Snake!

**Pliskin:** You aren't Snake! I am!

**Raiden:** Hey! You said you weren't-

**Snake: **Well, I am!

**Solidus & Vamp:** You ready for this? (Solidus & Vamp stand side by side, preparing to do the fusion dance) Fuuuuu-sion-HA! (BAM! Hummm…Boom!) We fuse together to make-um…-er…Solidus and Vamp in a Harrier 2! (gets hit by rocket launcher)

**Solidus:** Owwweeee! That hurt my eye! Vamp, go! You're in my bubble…I need my personal space!

**Vamp:** (Runs across water and up wall)

**Raiden:** Jeez! He can run on water and up walls! Is he from the Matrix or is he Jesus Christ?

**Jesus:** (sneezes) Did someone say my name?

**Emma:** Save me! My legs were shot with a tranquiliz-

**Raiden:** Shut up! Let's go!

**Emma:** But I can't swim! I'm afraid of wat-

**Raiden:** I said SHUT THE HELL UP! I'm pressing the triangle button/Y button, so grab my hand!

**Vamp:** (gets shot in the head by Raiden) Glarg! I'm drowning! Even though I was just swimming in this water a few seconds ago, I'll drown for you anyway, just because you seem like such a good sport! (drowns)

**Emma:** How much farther? I can't stand water…

**Raiden:** What a whining little cur…you can't hold your breath for crap, you know that?

**Emma:** (gets shanked by Vamp) AAAAHHHHHH!

**Raiden:** You deserved that, you annoying little pest! Thanks for stabbing her, Vamp! (waves, then shoots him in the forehead)

**Vamp:** Any time! And thanks for the bullet to my brain! After the last few head-shots from previous battles, nothing much is left now… (falls into ocean)

**Raiden:** Here is the disk!

**Snake:** Gimme that! (pops disk into computer) NOOOO! DOWNLOAD STOPPED? It didn't work! WAAHHH!

**Raiden:** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!  
**Otacon:** What's so funny?

**Raiden:** You guys suck so much, it's not even funny.

**Emma:** Hal…

**Raiden:** You too! Can't you just die now?

**Emma:** Asshole…

**Raiden:** Oi! I'm not an asshole!

**Rose:** Oh yes you are!

**Otacon:** Okay…I know what I have to do…those hostages…

**Snake:** Only you can do it. (Snake and Otacon do the hella-cool super-tight-mega awesome-totally rad handshake)

**Mr. X:** SLEEPY TIME! (knocks out Raiden)

**Raiden:** (wakes up) Great, I'm naked… actually, this is kinda hot …

**Guard:** You said it, babe!

**Raiden:** AAHHHHHHH!(runs away)

**Rose:** Turn off the game right now. Really, you're starting to get on my nerves. Cut the power. Pull the plug.

**Raiden:** What? You aren't making any sense, Rose. Women. Am I right, fellas?

**Colonel:** I nEeD ScIsSoRs! PuRpLe FlAp JaWs In SpAcE! 51!

**Raiden:** Stop taking Viagra colonel…

**Rose:** Jack, I'm not real.

**Raiden:** What! I've been dating a fake chick this whole time? This blows!

**Rose:** But one thing remains the same, I DO love you! I love you so much…it hurts…

**Raiden:** Yeah, after saying that you were dating me just so you can complete an extremely high detailed psych profile about me, I'm sure that's true.

**Rose:** Jack?…Jack….?I-I…I'm carrying your baby, Jack. I'm pregnant.

**Raiden:** What? Sorry, I missed that last part. Did you say that I should pick up some Prego sauce on the way home?

**Rose:** No, I said I'm pregnant.

**Raiden:** OH! Ummmm… ever heard of a wire clothes hanger?

**Snake:** Jeeze, Raiden, what's the matter? Is it cold in here, or is it just you? In any case, here. Put on some clothes. Oh, and take this. It's a gift from some chick I knocked up-uh-er-I mean-knocked out on a boat one time. You know, that Olga chick, the one who called herself, "Mr. X," the person that just slammed you in the head with her sword to knock you out. This is the sword. (hands Raiden the high frequency blade)

**Raiden:** YOU HAVE A DOGTAG! (chokes Snake a bit to make him fall unconscious, then shakes his body to make a dogtag pop out) hehehe…I love that little sound effect. (does a double-take to see if anyone is around) ALL MINE! Heh…heh-heh…MY PRECIOUS!

**Flying Cypher Camera:** 01-1 /1/05, 1/1/7rd3rz! 71-115 83 /1/07 600d! 50U/1/d 71-13 4l4r/1/15!111!1! (50/1/d5 71-13 4l4r/1/15)

**Soldiers:** DIE!

**Snake & Raiden:** NO! YOU DIE! FISSION MAILED!

**Solidus:** Bye-bye Olga. (chokes her with robot tentacle, then shoots her in the head)

**Raiden:** HOLY SHIT! YOU'RE DOCTOR OCTOPUS!

**Solidus:** Yeah, pretty cool, huh?

**Raiden:** DUDE, YOU JUST BLEW HER HEAD APART!

**Solidus:** Alright, that's enough.

**Raiden:** DUDE, YOU JUST SQUASHED HER HEAD LIKE A TOMATO!

**Solidus:** Really, you're starting to annoy me.

**Raiden:** YOU BLEW HER BRAINS OUT, AND-

**Solidus:** THAT'S ENOUGH! I'm going to make you face a bunch of Metal Gear Rays now, even though I'll finish them off, and look a trillion times cooler than you ever will doing so.

**Raiden:** (blows up a bunch of Metal Gear Rays, but tires out) It's no use…

**Solidus:** Awww…I thought there was more fight in you, Jack.

**Raiden:** I can't do it…

**Metal Gear Ray A:** Whoa! The virus in the GW that's controlling us is acting up! I'm totally tripping out! (explodes, sending blood flying everywhere)

**Solidus:** What the hell? What's happening? (starts killing off Metal Gear Rays, looking much cooler than when Raiden was doing it)

**Metal Gear Ray B:** Dude, why are we bleeding? We're huge robots, man, we should be spilling black oil, not red blood! This is seriously awesome.

**Metal Gear Ray C:** I'm tripping balls, man! My targeting system says I should eat a cupcake! I don't even like cupcakes, man!

**Metal Gear Rose:** Dude, why am I named after Rose?

**Otacon:** Hey, Raiden. I know I should be working on those hostages that are drowning right now, but I really don't care about them. I've been searching on why the Colonel and your girlfriend Rose have been acting so weird.

**Raiden:** I'm all ears.

**Otacon:** I did a background search on Rose and the Colonel, and guess what I found? Nothing. Except for a few lawsuits of stalking directed at Rose, but other than that, nothing. Then I remembered that the virus to destroy the GW that my sister made didn't finish, but what was able to download still took effect. It's like giving a rat some rat poison. Give it the right amount, and the rat will die almost instantly. But if you don't give it enough, it will still die, but it will take a while. Just like our current situation. The virus could not fully download, but most of it did. So the GW won't die right away, it'll just be damaged, and slowly rot. Knowing that the GW was damaged, I ran a diagnostic test on the relay point of the signal you receive from Rose and the colonel through your codec when you talk to them. I found out that it's coming from inside the GW. Then I tried searching for where the signal was coming from, but everything kept on leading back to GW. Nowhere in the world could I find the signal other than GW. Then I realized—the signal coming from GW isn't a relay point—it's the point of origin! So, if the signal for Rose and Colonel are originating from GW, and they're acting strange, and the GW is damaged, then that means that-

**Raiden:** NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD!

**Rose and Colonel:** That's right…WE ARE THE GW…the minds that control the world. Do you know why your elections come out the way we do? Because we are the filter—we control all media. We control what you know—because humans are too attached to themselves and think of nothing or anybody else. Do you really think something like that should be able to think or act on their own? We think not. We first started by creating MTv. That gave us the control of millions of minds right there. Then we made CNN. That took the remnants. So you see, humans really have no freedoms. They are all lies made up from their subconscious created by bits of media and ideas that came from us. So, we control them. In the end, you may as well not even vote. Because no matter what you think you are doing with your so called "freedom," we have ultimate control over what you think. Your voting is useless.

**Puff Daddy:** Vote or die! (shoots the GW)

**GW:** Retarded untalented rapper…we are not human…your grammar-defying words and your bullets have no effect on us.

**George W. Bush:** Alright, now I've been hearing a lot about this "GW" fellah. Be you folks talk'n about me? Are there any nucular problems?

**Otacon:** No, Bush, you are not even the president in our time period, so don't worry about our 'nuclear' problems. And we are saying 'GW' that's 'gee-double you,' not, 'gee-dubya.' Go home.

**Solidus:** Now…Jack…my son…

**Raiden:** Cut the cheesy crap, I'm tired. I just wanna finish this game and go to bed. And stop calling me Jack. You don't know me! (finishes off Solidus with a hard slash to the back)

**Snake:** Life isn't all about-

**Raiden:** Yadda, Yadda, Yadda, who cares. We all know that the moral of the story is-

**THE END**

**AN: So how did you like it? Funny? Stupid? Just plain retarded? Do tell.**

**Saving-my-ass-from-a-lawsuit-footnote: Guess what? I don't own the Metal Gear Solid series, or anything else that has to do with it! **

**Except for a copy of this brilliant game!**

**P.S.- Just so you know, I hate the word "emo." Seriously, everybody uses it, and it's annoying. That hurt me to use it. Not in an emo way way of pain, but—wait…damnit!**


End file.
